The Battle of Parkview Field

You may or may not know this, but a ferocious battle has been raging all off-season at Parkview Field. The participants: TinCaps groundskeeper Mitch McClary and a band of Canadian invaders.

No, this isn’t a re-make of Red Dawn. Although that’s happening soon, allegedly.

Mitch is battling these guys. Geese. They’re just coming in here, vandalizing the field, flying away and leaving their trash behind.

You might be wondering what the big deal is. They’re just geese. Who cares? Well, geese are mean and that’s a fact, which I learned during high-school baseball. The day after pitching, we had to run laps around the baseball complex, which was near a creek bed. The only way to do a full lap was to run through the woods next to the creek. When we got there, inevitably there was a goose or three hanging out, apparently protecting babies or something. When we got within 30 feet of them, these geese would hiss and start flapping their wings and chasing us. They never caught us, because America always wins and I am an extremely fast runner. Now that I’ve established why geese are mean, you understand one of the reasons why they don’t need to be spreading their mean-ness (among other things) around Parkview Field.

Reason #2 the geese need to leave: check these out. Evidently there were about 958 geese partying on the field at one time and they all decided to hang out on the infield dirt near where the shortstop plays. Their footprints moved so much dirt out of the way, it created a dip in the infield. This is bad because water started to collect there and because the infield needs to be flat so the ball doesn’t take a crazy hop on a grounder. So Mitch needed an answer that didn’t involve hurting any animals (so save all the animal-rights e-mails… no geese are being harmed).

I offered my dogs from home, since they like chasing stuff. I guess Mitch didn’t like the idea of having to rub their bellies all the time when no geese were around, so he went the less-fun route and brought in some mercenaries. That’s right, he’s brought in fake coyotes to control the goose population. And I haven’t seen a single goose around since they showed up. It appears as if the TinCaps have won the Battle of Parkview Field without a shot being fired. Kind of like how Ohio won the Toledo War, which set the stage for many Ohio victories over Michigan in other endeavors. Somewhere, Carl Spackler is smiling.

In other news, Chris Watson and I were discussing how a gentleman by the name of Matt Huffman is on an exclusive list: the list of people who, once they are introduced into a situation, you wouldn’t be surprised about any outcome. For example, if Matt Huffman showed up in Fort Wayne tomorrow, I don’t know anyone who would be surprised if he and 3-4 strangers ended up on a flight to Las Vegas. And Huffman would be the pilot.

From this point, we decided to make the “I’m Not Surprised” list.

1. Matt Huffman
2. Ron Artest
3. Dennis Rodman
4. David Hasselhoff
5. Mike Tyson
6. Mr. Belding from “Saved by the Bell”
7. Tiger Woods, post-November 2009

And that was in the first ten seconds. I’m sure if we had thought about this longer, the list would have been at least 50 people long, but you get the idea. And I bet you have that one friend who fits the description too. You don’t see them too often, and if you did, the novelty would wear off. But the few times they’re around, you’re just waiting for everything to go haywire. And invariably, they do.

Well, it’s been a crazy week. Winter Meetings, battles for Parkview Field, run-ins with Matt Huffman. I’ll leave you with musical guest, the Eagles!

Have a great weekend!


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